Most exciting post ever

I have little to report except for a breakfast potato that matched my nail varnish. It might be a yam.

Getting out of Hanoi

Hanoi is constantly go, go, go. As much fun as that is, especially after living in the arse-end-of-nowhere that is Kirdford (sorry Mummy), it can get exhausting. So on Friday, Kelly and I got on my motorbike and headed south. About 2.5 hours, several wrong turns, some cow-dodging, and a poncho-purchasing pit stop later, we got to a place called Chua Huong (or the Perfume Pagoda in guide-book, tour-operator language).


At first, we seriously thought something was up. Basically any tourist destination mentioned in the Lonely Planet is guaranteed to be rammed, and when I'd looked up directions on the internet, I'd got the impression of a really busy place. I was hoping that our day wouldn't be ruined by sheer excess of tourists. (Obviously Kelly and I don't count, we live here :) )

But we got to the town, and bar a few Vietnamese collecting hay, fishing, and other such rural pursuits, there was NO ONE there. No sign of any tour operators, Westeners, or road maintainance. Obviously that's what you always want when you come to these places, but it was just weird, and we both felt that there was something awry (what a word).


Well, we were massively wrong. Because this place was beautiful, quiet, and completely devoid of motorbike horns - everything I wanted to leave Hanoi for. I don't know why there was no one else there. Maybe they were all in Ha Long Bay.


We got this bloke called Jung to row us down the river a little way, and then he took us up a mountain (it was probably just a hill but I sweated enough for a mountain), through all the jungle, and on the other side were pagodas (like temples), built into caves in the hillside. They were so tucked-away and tranquil.


Kelly tried to collect some leaves for her Kindy class to do arty crafty stuff with, and the first one she picked was apparently poisonous, and her finger came up in a big red rash with a white bump, and was really painful. Our guide tried to hack her finger apart with a needle but she resisted him and his inch-long fingernails.


We saw the following baby animals: dog, cat, goat, cow, pig. Jung taught us how to say their names in Vietnamese. I got very excited.


On the boat on the way back my view looked like this:


And I was listening to this song:


I had a bit of a moment.

My favourite bit of the whole day was driving home on my lovely growly motorbike. It was that time of early evening where the light is quite orange, and we were zooming past rice paddies and people making hay. I wish that everyone reading this was on the back of the bike with Kelly to see what it was like, or maybe that I was better with words and so could describe it some way other thing "fucking rad"...but it was fucking rad. The thoughts in my head at that time consisted mainly of "Yeahhhhh".

Last night I was going to watch Vietnam vs. North Korea at the Hanoi Stadium, just for the novelty of watching two oppressed Communist nations play one another at football. The score was 0-0, so I'm quite glad I was too lazy to go. Instead we went out for lẩu, which is hotpot. Ours had tofu and mushrooms and it was very tasty.

Currently sitting on the balcony in my pants, listening to someone nearby playing Spanish classical guitar, and not doing much else - so I thought I'd show off some of the pretty pictures I've taken of the pretty city I live in.


The above photos are from West Lake, the only peaceful place in Hanoi. Taken shortly before my flat tyre, boo. FYI family - this is the lake you're staying next to, it's beautiful.



These are taken at Thong Nhat Park (aka Reunification Park aka Lenin Park) at about 6.30am - the morning exercisers. Another one of my favourite things about Hanoi. Look for the huge aerobics class in the top photo - I pretended to take a photo of the train because I felt pervy. N.B. swimming in the lake is not recommended, unless you're a fan of cholera, as this man apparently is.


This was one of many amazing bowls of pho I've eaten. Unfortunately it was too good to photograph before I'd finished. Price: about 30p. Dead flies: optional.


This I saw on Pho Hue, around the corner from work. I thought it was quite pretty.

I have no classes tomorrow, and that can only mean one thing. (Sorry Mummy.)

For my 'puritanical mother' who has apparently been having nightmares on behalf of my 'poor old battered liver', in this post I will talk less about how much beer I drink and instead answer some of her questions about what I'm doing.

Tell us about the language school.
Apollo is one of the better language schools in Hanoi; it has a good reputation, at least as a place to learn, and a really good resources library. Of three centres, mine is the one nearest the middle of town, so it's really easy to get places after work. There's free fruit in our office on weekends. There's aircon in the classrooms but not in the stairwells. I have a desk with my name on it.
How many teachers?
About 15/20...there always seems to be people coming and going, and I haven't met all of them yet. I think a few only work part-time. There are about 6 that I've made friends with.
What are they like and where are they from?
England, America, loads from Irelands, a Kiwi girl and her Argentinian boyfriend, some Germans...The ones I've spoken to I get on really well with. Some are a bit strange, some aren't very friendly. Also, loads of middle-aged men here have beautiful Vietnamese wives, so I guess they're here for different reasons than me, we don't really talk much.
How long do people tend to stay there?
Not very long...my school pays the worst in Hanoi, so loads of people leave or go part-time after a couple of months, so they can use the resources library but get better pay elsewhere. Apollo's shooting themselves in the foot though, because they're left with no experienced teachers, and no one who knows the school very well. They should pay us more.
What’s it like teaching?
I really enjoy it. I don't think I'm very good or very inspiring but I'm improving as I get more used to it. I like the little kids the best.
How do classes compare to the Italian kids?
The classes are bigger but m0re manageable. I think the kids are harder-working - obviously that's a generalisation and there are exceptions on both sides, but it does makes the classes easier to teach. Most of the kids are really cute. Some are brats, like when I gave my class sweets and let them draw a comic and this girl was like "Teachaaah, will do more interesting? Play a game? I not think this is interesting" and I was like "Fuck you bitch, comics are awesome"
Have you taught any adults?
Even the adult classes are mainly 16 year olds; I have probably taught one actual adult. I also gave a private lesson to my friend Tien but I don't think it was very good because he hasn't asked for another one.
How is your Vietnamese coming on?
Slowly but surely...I can speak enough to get around, ask for directions, get my motorbike fixed, order the food I want, but I can't have a conversation, and I apparently I can't avoid getting ripped off when I get my motorbike fixed.
How are you getting on with your bike?
I love my bike very much, I ride it everywhere. It is big and growly. On Friday I got a massive screw through my tyre in the middle of nowhere and a man came to fix it, but I think he did a bad job because at about 3am on Sunday morning it was flat again, and I had to abandon it, and pay extortionate amounts for a new tyre on Sunday evening. It was a bit crap but I think the adversity only brought my bike and me closer.
Are you still in one piece?
Yes

I think that was really boring but maybe only because I already know what's going on in my life. I hope you enjoyed it.

I was all set to pretend to be off sick today and run away into the mountains with my roommate Thoa, but woke up thinking of the reports I had to write and the body parts I had to teach, and decided to come into work. I blame my puritanical mother for giving me a good work ethic.

This song is awesome:

Tôi không thích an Mam Tom

nom nom nom

My Vietnamese isn't good enough to ever really be sure what I'm eating, so some of the time I just take what I'm given. Sometimes it turns out to be amazing garlicky morning glory; sometimes a bowl of chicken skin; once a deep-fried egg. But I do know that Đau is tofu, so when I see it on a sign, I go for it. I love tofu.

At lunchtime yesterday, and again today, I saw "Bún Đau" on the sign. Some smiling, nodding, and pointing later, I was given a plate of tofu, some noodles all stuck together and cut into chunks (this is the bún part). So far so good.

looking innocent

But Bún Đau is accompanied by the most disgusting food known to man. "Mam Tom" is fermented shrimp sauce; they give you a bowl of it, and you have to mix it all up with your chopsticks, and dip the tofu/noodle chunks in. I really want to like it, but it's horrible. Salty and stinky and fishy, grey and frothy. It'd be fine if I could leave it and just eat my tofu, but all the Vietnamese ladies eating around me are so fucking friendly and encouraging. They show me how to do it, and then watch to make sure I'm doing it right and enjoying it, and pile my plate up with more food if I manage to get through the first bit. So I have to keep dipping my lovely tofu into the stinky shit sauce. I was really hungover today and I felt like I was going to puke. I turned up at my Vietnamese lesson sweaty and pale and she was all like "Ohhhh, is very hot? Em nong?!"

And the salad they serve with it is the most rubbish salad ever, I swear it's a big plate of nettles. No more Bún Đau for me. I'm not sure why I ate it two days in a row anyway.


Luckily there are many good things to eat instead. Last night I went to a vegetarian restaurant with my new 'friend' (yeahhh) and ate all the delicious vegetables. And behold the beautiful dragon fruit I just ate for my tea:


I think figs may have a contender for the long-held "bestest fruit" position.

Ohhh and amazing coffee here, with condensed milk, so good. I drank loads and then stayed up until 5am reading Anna Karenina.


I have been doing other things than eating. The other things are mainly drinking and riding motorbikes.

I taught my first class of the really little kiddies yesterday, aged four to six. They are ridiculously cute, I want all of them for my own - including the one that cried every time I tried to get him to answer a question, and the one that kept happily puking over the kids next to him. It didn't even bother him, it was inspiring.

Today I bought some pajama bottoms (as I am sharing a bed with my roommate and so have had to relinquish my nakie sleep-style) but I overlooked the fact that my shins are bigger than those of a Vietnamese woman. I have fashioned the pajama bottoms into a roll-up style at top and bottom and now it looks a bit like I've pooed myself.

This is our lovely little balcony where I'm sitting at the moment, being blasted by the fan:

This is unrelated:
Yoga Bear

A bit like a really shit Hells Angel

The best news I have to report is MY MOTORBIKE. I have been scooting round all day playing in traffic and feeling badass. I love it so much.

technically a moped

I'm trying to remember what else I've been doing but my mind is filled with variously driving and being driven around Hanoi on motorbikes. I'm living with my Vietnamese friend at the moment but it was only ever going to be temporary, so I went to look round a different house last night and it is incredible, French-colonial style with what I term a party veranda (alternatively THE LASH BALCONY or perhaps a mezzanine). We might be moving in next month; I want to decorate my room like an opium den and get a pet rat.

pit-stop outside The Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum.
unfortunately Uncle Ho is in Russia at the moment having his beauty treatment so he can't come out and play

After we got back from looking at the house and testing the 24/7 bar round the corner, I was locked out of my house again, so had to stay out drinking until 7am. Then there was more motorbikes.

I did a lesson yesterday on superheroes. For one part, they had to write a story about the adventures of their superhero. One girl wrote about her superhero fisting a girl when she meant flirting with a girl.

this is the best food I have ever eaten

mad surface tension skillz

I've been so busy that I think I should have other things to report but I don't know what they are. I have tomorrow off so I'm going to do more exploring, and I want to sit in a cafe and learn some more Vietnamese.

Everything is going very well and I am very happy.

Noodle time.

I need to learn the Vietnamese for "No, I don't want to ride your fucking moto"

I have been busy busy busy with time-consuming activities such as moving into a new house, working, drinking, getting locked out of said new house, and subsequently roaming the streets late at night. A taxi driver told me I was special and I asked if I was married, so for the record: I'm married and I have three children. I can't distinguish between the Vietnamese for 'ten' and the Vietnamese for 'fuck'. I gave a private pronunciation lesson and was paid in not only money, but also in beer, spaghetti and compliments. I have made several new friends, and a surprising proportion are Irish. My new housemate is called Thoa; she is both awesome and useful. She's giving me a moped lesson tomorrow morning. I feel permanently conspicuous, wherever I go. I haven't taken any more photos.

Sweaty, again.

I love Hanoi even more. After a mighty 4 hours of sleep, I got up at like 6am this morning to go for my first run, around the park/lake right by where I'm staying. I did this at such an umseemly hour because I thought it would be (a) quieter and (b) cooler. It was neither of those things - this is still Hanoi.

But it was AWESOME. So many people are out at that time exercising, I swear I got less weird looks than I do ambling along with my head stuck in a map. And whilst you'd get loads of people exercising at any park in London at that time, they'd all be running, or maybe cycling. But this morning in the park I saw:
(1) Running
(2) Tai chi
(3) Yoga
(4) A man selling turkey chicks from a crate (this one isn't really a sport)
(5) Badminton
(6) Football
(7) A big-scale, lakeside aerobics class
(8) A lady kind of...vibrating
(9) My favourite: ballroom dancing

And the cold shower when I got back was phenomenal.

No. We have no size for you.

Some pretty pictures from last night:




Today was my first day at work. I freaked out a bit first thing when I had to sign the contract, due to my chronic fear of commitment, but my mood improved when we started talking about teaching Kindy classes (aged 4-6, super-cute) and I found out about the free Vietnamese lessons we can get. And I'm going to buy a motorbike!! (Sorry Mummy.)
The people seem alright, one girl is really cool although she isn't working at the same centre as me so I don't know if I'll see her much. We attempted clothes shopping - this girl is probably an English 8/10 yet is a Vietnamese size XL. I'm going to cut back on the noodles.

I'm currently sitting in the dark feeling grumpy and tired - going to go find a bar; perhaps get me some friends.

Lastly, this article makes me feel superior and mature: Gap year wankers

Sweaty.

I spent this morning wandering around in wide-mouthed awe, dodging mopeds and leaving my laptop behind in unwise locations. It is very sweaty here. I like how the air hangs really thick around you, and smells of a mixture of fruit and smoke and petrol, with occasional bursts of frying or coffee (I am so poetic).

Even though it's so hectic (crossing the road is an adventure in itself), there are lakes dotted around, and people sitting around in the street having a meal, or a sleep. Random people say hello or smile, although this may be because I am a huge ghostly squid and look really weird.
But there's a nice atmosphere; I feel like people don't take things too seriously here. Maybe I'm just romanticising it.

This guy has the right idea.

I also enjoyed the badass policemen/military sitting on their motorbikes on street corners, aviators on, fag in mouth, making sure that order is being upheld. It felt inappropriate to take a photo; however, this picture gives a good approximation of what they looked like to my eyes:


I personally felt very badass and brave scooting around in the insane traffic on the back of a motorbike. It was short-lived; a few minutes later I saw two kids on rollerblades holding onto the back of one. Also kudos to the man with a tree on the back of his moped.

I was talking to a girl who works at the hostel, and her roommate has just moved out so she needs a new one. We went to look at her room (yay more motorbike!!) and it's in a really cool neighbourhood; less tourists, but loads of shops and restaurants and people. Then down a little alley way, up some stairs on the top floor. I love the location, and I love the balcony, and this girl seems really cool (and I love that it costs $45/month) - I'm just not sure I could share a double bed in a room with no aircon and get any sleep whatsoever. I need to look around more.

This was my lunch. Tofu and ginger is like all my birthday cakes come at once.

That picture has made me hungry again...time for more exploring and some dinner.
(Blogging takes ages!)

In ur airport, steelin ur wifi

I'm at Hong Kong airport, so probably won't make it to Spoons tonight (sorry Will). On my flight I watched Shrek and slept for a long time. The men are short and the girls are pretty. I'm drinking soya milk, but am yet to encounter any noodles. The best is yet to come.

Blog is a funny word

I started this blog a while ago, but as a scroll-down will reveal, it hasn't been very busy. Apparently I never had very much to say for myself when I spent all my time either (a) reading about logic in the dark or (b) drunk.

BUT NOW...
My life's going to involve fun things, like temples and motorbikes and noodles and monsoons and...grammar...and children...and like, culture, and stuff...well I don't know what it's going to involve. But I'm going to write about it, and I'm going to take photos too, and maybe post other cool things I come across.

So check back here to join me on my totally cultural and spiritual and political exchange yah?